I confess… I yelled at God over coffee
The day was March 5th, 2014 when as I sat in my usual quiet place just two years and a few days ago today.
It was there I cried out Jeremiah 33:3 in desperation exclaiming, “ Okay Lord, show me! Tell me what I’ve missed! Show me these wonderful and marvelous things you’ve promised!”
Yes, if you can imagine, I actually yelled out in a loud audible voice forgetting about my sleeping beauties in the house. But it was that very morning that God began to show me over the next few weeks how I had run ahead of him.
Looking back, I still can’t believe I actually yelled at God…I mean, I know he knows our heart no matter how we say it, but I still don’t know what came over me. Desperation is what we call it! The details of the day proved that the words written in Jeremiah are true…very true! God does reveal truths, direction, confirmations, and I’m telling you, throughout the day confirmations were seen left and right through different friends who did not know about my prayer earlier that morning – Created Woman is supposed to be a non-profit, a foundation, not just a business idea. The details are for another blog (yes, I will write about that) but for today’s journal, I have to confess a few things. The past two weeks I’ve been confessing some things to God and my journal has been ugly and over the course of the past few weeks, as awesome as they have been, I had to come to terms with these statements:
- I don’t always like my “Go” (Journal entry #8).
- I don’t always allow room for God to speak to me.
Let’s start with point #2. On that faithful morning in 2014 when I actually had a friend spell out for me that CW was a 501c3, I cried uncontrollably. So much that as I sat on the phone with her, my husband came in and had no idea what to do! It was a sight to see I’m sure!
When she uttered those little numbers, 5-0-1-c-3, I realized I had put myself in a box by actually saying out loud over and over for years, “I will never be a 501c3.” You see I had worked so long for a 501c3 in the past that I had an image of what that was and how it all worked. And I knew that was not what Created Woman was – at least in it’s structure. So, I blocked off any kind of information or direction God was trying to show me because I said the words, “I am not…I will never…” Get what I’m saying?
The tears were because I had blocked the voice of God and almost intentionally. It was as if I was telling God, even though I was talking to others, what I would not do. That’s a scary thought.
So from that day on, anytime I start to say the words, “We are not…I will not…I will never…” I stop myself and restructure my words in a way that leaves room for the voice of God to move through others. Then pray and seek direction.
But after all of that, I found myself in familiar territory recently and I have to confess again that I did not left room for God to speak over the dream and vision He had given me.
This time, it wasn’t words I had been saying out loud, it was words and thoughts I had eternalized. It was my own thought patterns.
As I’ve accepted that Created Woman is a non-profit and is now the CW Foundation, I’ve started the journey of taking classes on how to build and organize this type of organization. (See journal entry #5 below). By doing so, I’ve met wonderful people, learned a lot, and heard stories of their own journey and non-profits. And each time it came time for me to share or write down who we are, I realized something over and over again.
We don’t fit!
Sure, I’m learning a lot that I need to know and can apply everything I’m learning to help us grow in the “who” we are created to be as a foundation and organization. But, the reason we didn’t fit like the rest was because of the one thing I’ve not wanted to even admit to myself. The one thing I never in a million years ever wanted to be a part of. The one thing I begrudgingly said “yes” to over 15 years ago as I left the fashion world. And that one thing is this:
We are a ministry.
There, I’ve said it out loud, I’ve said it to my husband, I’ve said it to friends and now I guess it’s out to the world. Created Woman is a ministry and I’m in the ministry.
The truth is, I don’t always like that “Go.” Some days I do and other days I don’t because I’m scared. Feel unworthy. Wonder “Why me?”
Jesus told us to “Go” into the world but I would have chosen something different to be quite honest. What I get to do I LOVE! It’s what I had to call it. That’s all. Something so small can actually be so big. But once I confessed, as you would have guessed, I feel so free!
Please, don’t confuse what I’m saying. God doesn’t call you to do something that doesn’t fit who you are and all of your unique qualities. But sometimes, He has to work out some things or some thought patterns out of our lives so that we can fully step into who He has created us to be.
Because of my own thought patterns, I also had to confess that I had actually stalled my “Go” because I had tried to control the how, or rather, what it was called. I had become sheepish in telling people, “I’m in the ministry or we are a ministry.”
No, I’m not mad. I’m excited and scared all at the same time. I’m in a fog and actually keep wondering why I got chosen to do this incredible thing. I mean really, I get to do this! That’s how I really feel!
Yes, I’m willing and yes, I’m going. I guess I’ve already gone…
My point is this.
Where would I be, where would other women be today be if I had not blocked the voice of the Lord by saying things like “I never…” or tried to control what it was simply called?
Where would we be if I had actually accepted my “Go” for what it really is?!
So, I had to pull out my journal (here’s where you pull out yours) and confess what I had done to block His voice. I had to confess that I actually am something I never thought I would be.
Funny, that actually works right! Ha!
So never again out loud or in my inner most thoughts will I say “Never.” Never again (how do you say that without saying never…?)
And I’ll confess again.
- I yell at God over coffee sometimes. It’s not always sweet bye and byes.
- I don’t always allow room for God to speak to me by what I confess out loud and even in my thoughts.
What do you need to confess today? I promise, it might be hard, but the freedom is real. Do you have thought patterns that are stalling your next step like I did?
Here’s a simple truth we often miss in the scripture:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8
Whatever is TRUE is the statement we tend to overlook because we like the words pure, lovely and admirable so much better! God deals in reality. So if we are not accepting TRUTH, then we can’t hear what He’s actually saying.
God is the way, the TRUTH, and the light.
Deal with the truth of who you are, what you are, what you are saying and thinking about, and what your “Go” is, and God will light your way with bright floodlights one step at a time.
What do you need to confess today? It’s okay; just write it in your journal. No one has to know!😉
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