Becoming Comfortable in My Own Skin

Reclaiming the healthy body that God gave me with God-confidence.

As I was preparing for surgery, all I could think about was the fact that this could have been avoided. I wouldn’t have to undergo this procedure right now if I wouldn’t have made a foolish decision driven by insecurity in my 20’s. I was left wondering, why does it take so long for us to learn to be comfortable in our own skin?

As a young woman, I may have appeared strong and confident on the outside; what most could not see was the insecurity and low self-esteem that I carried on the inside. In my quest to find the confidence that was eluding me, I elected to alter my body. Twenty-one years later, I am faced with undoing the damage that was done in order to find a healthy me again.

This journey started about a year ago when a friend brought to my attention the truth about breast implants. She was among the many women who suffered from illness linked to implants, and she shared her story of Explant and healing with me. I began to research on my own and realized that I, too, had experienced many of the same symptoms. It is a shocking and scary moment when you realize that your health is at risk due to something that you thought would make you healthier and happier.

When I made the decision to get implants, I was a young woman that made the same mistake so many women make. I fell into the trap of comparison. I felt shame because my petite frame didn’t compare to the shapely bodies of other women, so I made the choice to alter my body to look more like theirs in hopes of finding that elusive confidence that I was lacking.

Once I made the change and stepped out in my new body, I realized that people noticed, and it made an already self-conscious young woman even more uncomfortable in her own skin. I learned too late that the security I was seeking could not be found in my outward appearance.

In 1 Samuel, chapter 16 when Samuel was sent by God to anoint the next king, He didn’t choose David because of his outward appearance. As a matter of fact, David was a most unlikely choice if we were to measure him physically against his older and stronger brothers. Thankfully, God does not look at the things that people look at; instead, He looks at the heart. This truth reminded me that the desire to change my outward appearance was not a body issue, it was a heart issue. Confidence wouldn’t be found in my physical traits; it would only be found when I grew closer to God and trusted Him fully with my whole heart.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. -1 Samuel 16:7b

We may never be completely happy with every part of our bodies, personalities, or other traits, but that doesn’t mean those things need changing. It means that God made us uniquely and we should embrace all of the things that make us unique, even the parts we don’t like.

I am still working to overcome my insecurities to be healthy on the inside and happy with the body God gave me on the outside. There is beauty in reclaiming what God created, even when it takes courage to undo the damage that we have done to our bodies, our hearts, and our minds.

So, as I near my 50th birthday, I am going under the knife again to reclaim the body that God gave me and to learn to love it despite its flaws. Facing the world with God-confidence, and not self-confidence, does not require a flawless body. It requires an obedient heart.