Surrender

When you go on trips with your horse, you prepare for almost anything.  You bring wraps and disinfectants for injuries. You bring buckets, grain, hay and extra water. You bring ponchos and jackets for yourself, and blankets for the horse. I thought I was prepared for anything, but turns out I wasn’t.

My horse, Bert, panicked earlier today when his pasture mates rode off on a trail ride with out him.  He WOULD NOT be left behind.   He was in a 10x10 pen at the campsite, but that was not going to stop him from being with his herd.  Horses need security to feel safe and Bert's security was in his pasture mates.  When the security was ripped away from him, he panicked.  He quickly lost all sight of sanity - all sight of self preservation.  We call this FIGHT or FLIGHT in the horse world.  And Bert decided on "FLIGHT"!  "FLIGHT" continued to ring in his head.  Flight! Flight! Flight!  Flight became Bert’s anthem.  He pushed his back legs off the ground and jumped over the pen.  Bert's fear took over and he was no longer the rational, sane horse that was given back to me from the trainers just 6 short months ago.  He was irrational and very capable of causing harm to me and himself - all so he could be close to the other horses and have a sense of security back. 

Now I sit here, staring out onto this beautiful view at Pole Canyon, constantly sweeping the ridge lines looking for a trace of my beloved horse.  As I sit here I have to wonder, "Is this how God feels?"

Did God see the panic and fear in our eyes as we made the wrong decision and turned our backs on him to gallop off chasing something we would never find?

Did God provide us with a horse pen and strip us of our false senseof securities, in order for us to trust him and rely on him for safety?

God is this how you feel?

As these thoughts ran through my head and I wrestled with the idea that my horse may not be found and may not find his way back, I hear God say "Lauren, would you give this all up for me?" Continuing to stare out onto Pole Canyon, I said "God I would give it all up for you." At that moment, I had to lay Bert down.

It is hard to hold on to hope and trust God when you hear the whispers of the enemy that say “It’s over, your dream is dead and there is nothing else you can do.” 

The vultures are flying over.  They are swarming over my dreams, looking for a chance to fly down and swoop it up. Then I remember what God asked me "Lauren, would you give this all up for me?" And I surrender my dreams back to him.

“Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7

I had to surrender my desires and put God first.  I had to surrender Bert, put him on the alter and decide that no matter what happened I would continue to serve God.

I had to lay down my fears and insecurities, and let God replace them with truth and security that is only found in trusting Him.

At dinner, my friends and riding partners hoped to distract me from feeling as if I had lost my horse. They tried to reassure me that he could still be out there, and we would find him before we came home. However, I could tell in their tone that they were beginning to lose hope.

As we drove back to the Canyons that evening, I could see from far off the road that someone had put their horse in Bert's pen. Now, even the other riders believe he isn't coming back. As we drove closer, I got a better look at the horse in his pen and I screamed, "Bert is here! Bert is here!  My horse is back!"  It wasn't another horse in his pen. It was my horse!  I swung the car door open while it was still moving, jumped out and ran as fast as I could towards his pen. There he was in his pen, safe and unharmed.  He had a few cuts and scrapes, but overall he was fine and happy to be home.   I turned around and saw a cowboy outside his trailer watching this all unfold.  I ran towards him and asked, "Did you find my horse? Are you the one who brought my horse back?" He said he found him far off in a field by himself, and Bert couldn't have been happier to be found and head back to camp with him.  Before he could even finish the rescue story I gave that cowboy the biggest hug ever, to which he replied, "Wow, I didn't realize the horse was worth that much?" I told him, "He is worth that much to me!"

God has never stopped pursuing you. When you stop running and surrender to his unbridled love, you experience true freedom. He loves you for you.  You are worth that much to Him.

Lauren Clark

 

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