Relational Self-Care
Tending to our hurts through forgiveness to experience health in our relationships.
It all started where it usually does—in a hair salon. While beauticians rarely get their degree in psychology or earn an LPC license, there’s not many people who can speak straight into your soul and circumstance like a hair stylist can. I’ve always relished in the wisdom and advice I’ve received from licensed hair professionals, and I believe that every hair appointment has the potential to be a divine appointment.
Most of my life has been lived within the confines of self-reliance and independence. I’ve celebrated and joined conversations around self-care and how to live your best life, but it wasn’t until the Lord really taught me to work through my own personal baggage as I waded through connection with other flawed, imperfect, and diverse humans as a means of becoming my best self. In a new family close in both proximity and heart, my primary defenses of self-soothing and seclusion during conflict were no longer going to serve me. It was confusing, annoying, and maddening, and for the most part, I kept the frustration to myself.
Until I needed a haircut.
Sitting in the salon chair and sharing “the latest” quickly turned into a serious conversation. I don’t remember what I was talking about or what I was sharing, but in a gentle voice my stylist responded, “I want to tell you something that helped me, and maybe it will help you too.” She continued to comb and snip as she told me the story of when she first got married and struggled in her relationship with her mother-in-law. She said, “I guess she was nice most of the time, sometimes snappy and rude, but what really upset me was she would also always talk about me behind my back. This happened all the time, and it really made me angry.”
She explained that one night she was lying in bed praying about this, and the Lord began to really work on her. “I made the choice to forgive her,” she said. She forgave her for all the things she said and done. And as she forgave each thing, she said, “I am telling you Alex, the Lord filled my heart up with so much love for her.” After that night, their relationship changed. No matter what her mother-in-law said or did, she was able to have love for her and forgave her offenses. “What was most amazing,” she expressed, “is that we actually became very close, and she ended up passing away suddenly 6 months later.”
Choosing to forgive people we’re in relationship with, whatever the capacity of the relationship we’re in, was the piece I was missing in understanding the complexity and nuance of human connection. No one is perfect, and we all eventually offend someone. Our personal choice of forgiveness holds the power to open us up for God’s love to fill our hearts to not only have healthier relationships, but also to free ourselves from bitterness, resentment, and prejudice. Since this hair appointment, I’ve asked the Lord over and over if it is really that simple, and with a knot in my throat and a tightness in my chest, I can honestly say—I believe it is.
Reflection
Who is someone you need to forgive?
Name the things you specifically forgive them for?
Who is someone that has forgiven you? How has your relationships benefitted from forgiveness?
“With tender humility and quiet patience, always demonstrate gentleness and generous love toward one another, especially toward those who may try your patience.” (Ephesians 4:2)
“Above all, constantly echo God’s intense love for one another, for love will be a canopy over a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)
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