Call Me Crazy One More Time
“Would you like to see crazy mommy?” It’s a question I jokingly would ask my teenage children when they were about to test my limits with constant requests or had failed attempts at household chores and responsibilities. They would retreat in mock horror or back away slowly with their hands up like they might need protection from shrapnel if I blew.
It was intended to by funny, but more often than not, raising teenagers pushed me to my mental limits more than I care to admit. I was stretched thin with full-time work, commitments, and un-diagnosed anxiety. I was on a hair-trigger when it came to losing self-control over relatively minor things, and my family had begun to walk on eggshells around me.
I tried to laugh it off as a family joke, but I began to worry if I was really incapable of regulating myself when it came to anger and worry. I had all the faith in the world that Jesus could intervene and provide healing if I were to become physically ill, but I felt it was a matter of personal responsibility to keep my emotions in check. It never occurred to me to be anything but ashamed of my inability to control the tide of thoughts and reactions that bore me along like an amusement park ride I couldn’t get off.
I was busy mashing my feelings down thinking it was the holy pursuit of a Christ-like nature, and beating myself up when sometimes those emotions pressed their way out. It was a lack of faith to be sad or disappointed, and simply unacceptable to be irritated or angry.
I felt the Fruits of the Spirit (peace, patience, self-control, etc.) were evident in those who were deserving of them; those who had done the hard work of earning them. What I failed to realize is that those fruits are the evidence that you have yielded yourself to the healing fire of the Holy Spirit, who sees everything and exposes what is necessary for us to give to God for restoration.
Yet here I was, trying to negotiate my own restoration with my own code of conduct; my own mental healing with a set of stringent rules for behavior.
We were created in the image of a God who also has emotions, and He gave them to us so we can share them with Him intimately. Emotions are necessary to experience God, and as such must be wielded in the truth. A verse that encourages me to be honest about how I feel is from Ephesians: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will become in every respect the very mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Eph 4:15).
The Lord was so gracious to me to provide a new narrative of my life. I have slowly been able to replace an inner monologue that degraded me for being too emotional, with a gentle dialogue with my savior who calls on me to use these powerful emotions to build empathy for myself and others, and to be drawn ever closer to Him.
Reflection
1. How do you feel about yourself when you have powerful emotions?
2. How do you judge others when they express emotions?
3. What emotions do you feel you must submit to the Holy Spirit for inspection? How will you go about doing that?
Goal Setting & Sharing
Think of three true things you can tell yourself when you become overwhelmed.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
(Ephesians 4:15 NIV)